saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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