I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
