People in love make me want to vomit
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
