Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
