I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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