I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
