i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
