One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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