Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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