he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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