I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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