my sisters under your porch take her home
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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