So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
