Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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