i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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