Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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