I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
