she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
