Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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