he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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