Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
