If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
