Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
