I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
