My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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