New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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