i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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