you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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