Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We are all done wearing pants today
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
