He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
