i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
