my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
