my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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