Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
