He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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