How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
