You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
