she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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