dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
