it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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