What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
