I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
