Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
