My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
