If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
