Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
