Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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