I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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