Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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