Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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