I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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