the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
did you just send me my own nude
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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